Not finishing my last post. Sorry. But. Well. Can't go there.
Too hard. Way too hard. You cant have sex with---
no
nevermind. forget it.


this is about me being fat.  I hate it. I hate it so much. SO much. I--- I don't even----
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE having everybody around me (okay, so, two people, Mitch and Jordan, of course), my bestest friends in the whole world, telling me that i am gorgeous. Sexy. Cute. Hot. I HATE IT, because I am NOT!!!!! I am SO far from that. I am 136lbs of LARD. I have massive bulging eyes, and just generally UGLY face, the only thing I want is to be thin :'(. If I can't have the looks, I at LEAST want the body.
Breaking Dawn comes out on August 2nd. Jordan was insisting on buying me a dress for the midnight masquerade, a dress to match that of Bella's prom dress. I told him that if I get down to 124 by then I will let him buy me a dress. Thats a month. And a week and a half. ish.
But it is summer. FUCK. I was supposed to be thin for SUMMER. well I am INSISTING on not becoming ANY fatter than I am now, thats for sure. So the only direction I can go is skinny....

{thinspo. yes im jumping onto this train that I always said I wouldn't.}
Jessica Alba. She is who I feel like being today.






 

Last night was AMAZING.
Mom, Lisa, Paula, Grammie, Jenna and I went out to dinner and then to the Michael Buble concert!
He did an absolutely AMAZING performance. This article explains it better than I could.
http://thechronicleherald.ca/Entertainment/1035595.html
He was very interactive with the crowd, amusing, witty--- and he has an AMAZING voice, I prefer hearing him live. Which is more than you can say for many many many artists. Like Fergie. Heard her at some awards last year, and i had to change the channel.
Opening for him was Naturally 7, an acapella/vocal play group from NYC. They really got everyone excited for the show.
I forgot my camera. I have never hated myself more.

We went to the Art Gallery of Nova Scotia last week, (with art class), because we did a little project on Andy Warhol ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Warhol ) earlier in the year, and there is currently a Marilyn Monroe exhibit at the gallery, with a couple pieces of his work on display.
It was a gorgeous display. An entire floor of photographs, paintings, and interpretations of possibly the most beautiful and lusted after woman of all time.
OH and..... I DYED MY HAIR PURPLE. Ms Tench came up to me and commented how I've just "blossomed" into this budding art student. :) oh i love ms tench.

 

Oh, dear. :( I wish I could come back with a happy post. But, alas, I cannot.
If I wasn't writing about this urgent event, I would be writing about selling my horse, or Gordon's severe loneliness since our break-up and how that is affecting me.
Mitch has complicated and frustrating situations with his mother. Situations that make me very VERY sad, and very VERY angry. His marks weren't all that great a couple months ago. He was quite sick, migraines, so he got some bad marks which brought his average down. But he would never tell the teachers, or probably his mother, that his migraines were that bad. Anyways, he got lectured often, by his mother, regarding how he will be a failure, how he won't do anything with his life, how he doesn't try hard enough, etcetera. He isn't allowed on the computer for anything but homework (not that it stops him, sorry but thats TOO controlling.), He's not allowed sleeping in on weekends, he is made to take piano and play for a designated time period daily,--- he will complain when she INSISTS to proof read his work, because she will end up changing most of it, and he will get a worse mark, because she took control.On top of that, she thinks he's a pothead , who KNOWS why, but he would never do drugs.
So, of course, I wondered where all this would come from. I figured his slipping grades and stuff.
Anyways, He has since gotten medication for his migraines (that give him terrifyingly low heart rate), and he has put 110% effort into everything, and his marks are going back up. Tonight, his mom had a huge lecture at him for half an hour about how he doesn't try, no effort, blah blah. He insisted that he did, but she won't believe him -- she wouldn't even believe that he got a 31/30 on his most recent major English assignment. As Gordon said -- she expects too much of him, yet expects too little. (I have been sobbing uncontrollably for the last couple hours, Gordon really helped calm me down, talked me through it and stuff).
I asked him if he argued back to her verbal abuse. His response:
"You dont understand how she argues. She comes in knowing what she thinks, and won't leave until you agree with her"
He gets very little sleep. VERY little. I asked him if he has told his mom. He said no. He said that he did once, and the response was that it was his fault. That he needs to do more. Insomnia isn't HIS FAULT. He does a hellovalot more than most people do in a day. Most of it forced upon by his mother, nonetheless.
He was EXTREMELY sick today, I asked why he didn't stay home. He said, because he couldn't tell his mom that he was sick. I asked why not. He said, because she'd say it was his fault.
She thinks SO negatively. And puts him down. Repeatedly. And won't accept that he is NOT a failure, yet will not accept for him to be anything less than perfect.
I was so upset. I was bawling. Gordon was there for me though, and talked me through it. He talked me through his mom's side of it, how maybe she has a hard time with the fact that she can not have control over him forever. That he is becoming independent. That she has to trust him to make the right choices.
Gord reinforced my belief that Mitch has to stand up to her more. To NOT back down.
There is no reason he needs to agree with her. He should not agree with her if she is not right.
She may be a parent, but she is also a person. And people have the capabilities of being wrong.
He needs to stand up to her, no matter the immediate consequences, to end this.
Gordon also reminded me, that I cannot change the situation. I can only be there for him, to support him, and to cheer him up.
I now understand why his self worth was so low a couple months back. That is the total opposite role that a mother should be taking in her child's life. It hurts me so much to watch, I can only imagine how he feels. . .
Oh, and I forgot to mention. He won't bring his dad into it. He will not discuss it with his father. He wouldn't give me a reason. Just a simple "no". Maybe by telling his father he would be admitting it is a problem?