I have this spectacular way of fucking up absolutely everything. Every relationship that I hurt, then fight to keep, I just end up hurting more. My FUCK. You'd think I'd learn after the first time.
I need to vent. I am going to be blunt. I am going to sound like a total BITCH. I am going to piss off anyone who reads this. Except those who have been in this situation, and know how much it hurts like hell.
I love Mitch. I do. I care about him. And he is still head over heels obsessed with me. We still have fun together, we do stuff.... we argue all the time and theres been a gap for a while. Ample opportunity for my greatest fear to kick in.
I am in love with Jordan. There is not the slightest doubt in my mind. This changed from a 4 year friendship, to much more, in what seems like an instant. He has been here through absolutely everything. Through my relationship with Gordon, through my breaking up with Gordon for Mitch. Through all my hard times in each of those, and everything else. He has been there, he has cared. Time and time again I have pondered the potential that he is who I should be with. But I kept shaking it out of my head. Well, I have definitely stopped doing that. It started 2 months ago, approximately, that we began talking LATE. Really.... LEARNING about each other....and I became instantly intoxicated.
He introduced me to the twilight books a few months ago. Then he bought them for me, on a "date" of ours a month or so ago. He tied them with a red ribbon and had them sitting in his car for me to see when I hopped in. If you are not a Twilight junkie, you will not understand this next bit. But Jordan is Edward. He is the epitome of Edward. He is my Edward. He is as well dressed, as classic, as.... romantic, as thoughtful, as intoxicating, and just like Bella (who i am VERY MUCH like), I am magnetized to him. Rereading the books, nearly every line makes me choke and sob and cry and vomit because of the direct similarity (often word for word) between he and Edward. They say the same things. They listen to the same classical music. They have the same devastatingly stunning smile. And they want what is best for Bella. More than they WANT Bella. Aka, me.
We had sex. He came over and spent the night, two months ago. (and again last night but I will get to that). We wrote it off as a friendship thing. We knew it wasn't, I think it was just an attempt to feel like it wasn't so BAD. Terrible. I cheated on Mitch. I felt like shit, and basically told him. Indirectly. Fuck, that hurt. Because I was so...sick with guilt, I convinced him not to leave me... I knew there was something between me and Jordan that wasn't going away, but I was too fucking selfish to just let Mitch go. So I basically kept lying to him. And me and Jord kept delighting in each other. He is extremely romantic, and knows exactly those little things that nobody has ever done, that are specific to...me.... like things he says.
shit. i have math.
ill finish later.

If I had a magic key...
If I had a magic key it would open a magic door. Behind this magic door, there would be a room. It would be a large, cathedral style room, with massive granite pillars stretching stories into the air. In the very center of the room, there would be a golden chest. Inside this chest, there would be a map. The map points to something, a large red "X" near the center.
I don't know what I am trying to find.
The map serves no purpose.   

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